Some days I ago I thought that everything was going to be smooth from now on. The last two weeks at work and then enjoy my time before I leave for Vegas. The week-end changed everything. Welcome to the real world.
Suddenly I start doubting about everything. Is it really what I want? Will I succeed this time? How am I going to manage it? Is my base stable enough? WTF am I going to do there?
Why am I actually going? Some years ago, yes years, I made a financial commitment to my ex, whom I had ‘pushed’ into her photography studies. At that time we lived together and I made a great wage. She was studying full-time and our flat became her studio as well. I still pay for her and would till October, but I sent her all the money already. I wanted her to study photography although she always said she didn’t have the money for. We weren’t married but I still support her and her career. This meaning in the next weeks, months, I am totally broke. Yes, totally.
What am I going to do in the States? How it looks now I am leaving on a romantic trip without any financial luggage. No job either.
Just leaving on a ‘romance base’. I hope it all goes right. I really do. But I don’t know why I am doing it either. Wouldn’t it be better to stay in the UK for a little longer and earn some more money? Built up ‘a better future’? Strangely I even doubt about my ‘lovely’ LDR. Not about the love, but about what will/might happen. Will I have to stay at hers? Probably yes. Or I could go to live in motels in Vegas. Which would actually be better, but how long would my finances cover me? Two, three weeks? What if we don’t like each other? I mean the last months we only spent time in IM and on cam, but with 2000+ miles in between. Once in Vegas I need a job and a place to stay. And a green card. If there is one thing I know today. I don’t want to marry my girlfriend. Not yet/now and not for a green card either. I only have questions about my trip and where some weeks ago it all seemed really that beautifull and far away, it is coming closer daily. For the first time in life I worry about the future. I hope it is a good thing to do. Doubting.
[/ramble]
15 have made me smarter ↓
1 Annie // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:45 pm// View all comments by Annie //
Vegas? You can always try gambling. Ha-ha, kidding, don’t do that!
How the heck do all the Mexicans get jobs? Well, I know how. They just make up a Social Security number. Nobody checks.
2 KellyE // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:47 pm// View all comments by KellyE //
Wow, it’s very brave of you to make this journey? Worst case scenerio is that you hate eachother and you get kicked out of the US. Best case is that you find your bliss. Anything inbetween will be an amazing adventure! Be safe, have fun, and never forget to live your bliss!
3 VN // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:48 pm// View all comments by VN //
I’m scared for you. Very scared, I too was putting my wife through school (masters degree) and one class before she finished she told me she’d been having an affair and wanted a divorce.
Be afraid……
4 KentuckyGurl // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:49 pm// View all comments by KentuckyGurl //
Aww…it’s a big change! It’s okay to be a little apprehensive I think. Best to go into it a little slowly rather than jumping in head first, eh?
5 Suki // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:49 pm// View all comments by Suki //
It’s a big move - definitely a commitment. I was lucky that I met my bf when he was already in the States… Now I just have to convince him to move across the country. It’s normal to worry and be doubtful. I’d say - just go with the flow and let life take you where it will.
6 Talamasca // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:50 pm// View all comments by Talamasca //
To go or not to go? Whatever floats your boat. But you know, doubting is the first sign that something major and shitty is gonna happen, or something like that. Goodluck.
7 Jacq // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:51 pm// View all comments by Jacq //
Wow, that’s a tough one. You just have to weigh the pros and cons and go from there. I guess you’ll never know unless you take the risk. Always have a backup plan, though, for when things don’t work out.
I feel your fear, Vn. I went through a divorce several years ago because my husband became so obsessively selfish and vain about his career. He wanted me to continue to make sacrifices to support him. But I had goals of my own that he failed to realize. I am SO happy I left. I’ve been happy ever since, even though the fear almost killed me! Sometimes fear is a good motivator.
8 Kimi // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:52 pm// View all comments by Kimi //
I believe that all things happen for a reason…fate/karma…whatever you want to call it..that all experiences, good or bad, teach us something. You’re making some big/tough decisions right now, but however they work out, you’ll learn and grow from them.
This is a side of Madbull we don’t see too often. Good luck with whatever you decide.
9 USELESS MANN // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:53 pm// View all comments by USELESS MANN //
If for no other reason, I love the end tag on this post [/ramble]
Thanks for sharing!
10 3T // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:54 pm// View all comments by 3T //
I don’t know that you’re looking for advice. But on the doubt and worry? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. (Yes I know that’s cliche. But it also happens to be true)
What a great adventure you’re embarking on! I wish you all the best as you set out on it!
3T
11 Jenn // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:55 pm// View all comments by Jenn //
It sounds like the question isn’t whether or not to go, but whether or not it’s a good idea…?
Not to be trite, but it doesn’t really matter. Deep breath, pack your bags and plan to enjoy it! I’d be far more worried about going with the money/job base, but no romance base.
12 Otilius // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:57 pm// View all comments by Otilius //
It just doesn’t matter, MadBull. Get your ass over here!!!!
13 Barb // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:57 pm// View all comments by Barb //
With all the experience you have working in bars, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding a job, at least a temporary one. You could even just work valet–those guys make big tips. It’s Vegas!
My dad has an extra room in his townhouse. I could ask if you could crash there. :P
14 ocB // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:58 pm// View all comments by ocB //
just if say..by chance..the girlfriend is reading this and maybe has hurt feelings because of you having doubts (which we all do about huge life altering things such as your move etc) I would like to say that I am sure it is in fact a good thing.
I understand the long distance dread. Really I do. 4 years I led that life. It ended badly but not because we weren’t perfect for each other, we were. But because I, unlike you, didn’t have the fucking balls to make the move to another country. She waited a long ass time for me. And I let her down.
Whew.
Ok so anyway, take the chance. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Get ya shit back on a plane and go someplace else or back home. Ya tried.
Trying is by far better than never knowing and regreting.
Trust me.
15 eV // Sep 9, 2006 at 7:59 pm// View all comments by eV //
Sometimes you just have to jump first and think later.
:)
Wishing you the all the best and the year of your life!